Tonight’s episode was like expecting Hokey Pokey ice cream and realising they mislabelled a tub of vanilla. There were absolutely no honeycomb pieces scattered throughout and as any Kiwi knows, that’s a national travesty.
It all started when the experts decided to pick the least dramatic couples for episode number two.
Morag blessed our screens yesterday when she couldn’t help but burst into tears because her dear old dad had passed away and it really set the tone because she cried a lot this episode.
At least her cry face wasn’t as bad as Kim Kardashian’s but she did cry enough for me to make a drinking game out of it.
Hurrah baby, this is why we love reality TV.
Where was I? Oh, that’s right the boring couples.
So Morag told matchmaker Paul C Brunson she was super sad about dear old dad, and she really wanted someone with a personality as big as hers, rugged and with hair on his chest.
Did you get that Paul? She asked for a man with hair on his chest and legs bigger than her waist. Paul, a typical male didn’t listen and went yes, I have the perfect man.
He is like this little nerdy dude with barely any confidence, is incredibly sweet, and chased his dream of becoming a part-time firefighter, part-time kids home manager. he was probably overlooked in high school which explains the comment that had me crying more than Morag.
“I’m worried my wife won’t find me attractive. But I’m a catch to someone.” How can you not want that man to find happiness? You’d have to be heartless.
The experts decided that despite ignoring Morag’s wish list, their love would be great. A slow burner, but great.
The next couple our experts put together were ones who aren’t dramatic in the slightest but they are very cute and should probably leave the show immediately because their love deserves to be drama free.
Matt and Daniel, MAFS UK’s very first same-sex couple.
These two men are pretty much the same person. They’re both very kind, looking for long term love, want kids, and it felt like listening to everyone talk about their goals in my small hometown.
On to the weddings!
The usual pre-wedding jitters were massively accelerated as the bride and grooms had no idea who would be waiting for them. Luke looked like he was going to puke, Morag cried, again but made up for it by giving us a great one-liner when she got into the wedding car.
“I need sanitary pads for my armpits.”
As she walked down the aisle, Luke couldn’t stop smiling but his mum was just as, if not more smitten. “Oh, she’s gorgeous!”
Safe to say the feeling was not reciprocated by Morag who proceeded to take a casual swig out of a flask.
Atta girl, that’s exactly what I would have done if I was marrying a man I just met who didn’t match my wish list. Full steam ahead with the tequila sweetie.
“He’s not the typical guy I would go for so I’m not exactly jumping for joy.”
Over at Matt and Daniel’s wedding, they were both relatively calm and as Matt waited at the altar, he wooed the in-laws by engaging in polite conversation.
As Daniel walked down the aisle he said “I hope I find the man of my dreams.” And it was the only time this show made sense to me because that’s what it’s all about, not these dumb wish lists.
I knew Prince Charming would be my favourite.
At the altar, Daniel whispered, “you’re very handsome”. And Matt said, “So are you.” and obviously my heart exploded.
Forget about the Disney princess wedding last night, this marriage was the real fairytale.
Their marriage wasn’t sealed with just a peck on the lips, no no, it was a rom-com kiss, like their souls had been waiting to meet again.
I’m getting too carried away. Blame the hopeless romantic in me.
They continued to steal kisses during their wedding photos and in between asking important questions like “do you want kids” which of course, they both do.
Over at Morag and Luke’s wedding, the “do you wants kids?” chat very much was not a fairytale moment. Morag dropped the bomb that she wasn’t planning on having kids.
Luke was gutted and turned to his mate Gavin. “That’s mad,” he gasped.
I mean not really Luke, the world is on fire.
Daniel and Matt’s wedding went off without a hitch, everyone was dancing, smiling and it kind of felt like a real wedding? Later the two grooms found some space away from the reception and had their first one on one chat which obviously went swimmingly and was completed with, yes, you guessed it. A kiss.
Morag and Luke’s mum had a really strange chat where Luke’s mum said she thinks Morag will “bring Luke back to her”. Don’t ask for elaboration because honestly, I’m lost.
And once the weddings were over, Matt sweetly carried Daniel into the room where the sexual chemistry and high school flirting was cut short because the cameras were kicked out of the room.
Ooh la la.
Morag and Luke however sat on the bed drinking champagne.
“I think there is a bit of spark there.” Luke grinned at the confession cam, but Morag still didn’t want to rip his clothes off.
And that’s why we love reality TV.
Married at First Sight UK screens Tuesday-Friday, 7.30 on Three
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