It’s officially the holiday season, which means three things: 1) We get to visit our family, 2) We get to stay in our childhood home, and 3) We get to figure out how to have sex with our partners while visiting our family and staying in our childhood home.
For obvious reasons, navigating sexy time while under the roof of your parents is no easy feat. And while we may have a lot of basement make out sessions under our belts from high school, it’s likely we weren’t full-on doing the deed while pops was sitting upstairs reading the newspaper.
So, besides totally panicking that your family might walk in on you, here are some other things you’re probably thinking when you’re getting busy during the ho ho holidays. Time to embrace the fun, I guess?
1. Well, this twin bed should make things interesting.
2. I ate too much ham to be doing physical activity right now.
3. I can’t believe we’re doing this–my stuffed animals are still on the bed.
4. I should have put those away.
5. Sorry, Mr. Cuddles.
6. Wait, I think I can use Mr. Cuddles as a sex prop.
7. Can confirm: Mr. Cuddles is low-key helping.
8. (Sorry again, Mr. Cuddles.)
8. Grandma’s gonna have a heart attack if she catches us.
9. Oh my god, do I hear footsteps?
10. False alarm, it’s just the cat.
11. And now I’m making eye contact with the cat.
12. Dude, focus. Stop making eye contact with the cat.
13. Hey, if we pull this off, we have a new holiday tradition to look forward to.
14. Why does my partner keep looking at the wall?
15. Oh, I hope they don’t mind the teddybear wall paper.
16. What do I say when my family asks where we’ve been?
17. We took the dog for a walk?
18. Wait, we don’t have a dog.
19. Are we being too loud?
20. Of course we’re being loud—this headboard is so squeaky, the whole neighborhood can hear us.
21. To be fair, I asked Dad to fix it years ago.
22. Let’s try a different position. Spooning?
23. I heard that position doesn’t make as much noise.
24. Maybe I should start caroling to cover up the noise.
25. Oh, the weather outside is frightful…
26. Okay, that’s enough singing.
27. I think they’re watching It’s a Wonderful Life.
28. I have FOMO, that’s my favorite.
29. Maybe we should stop–my little cousins are downstairs! I’m setting a bad example.
30. Did mom put the Elf on the Shelf in here?
30. I’m definitely getting a stocking full of coal.
31. I don’t think I can finish.
32. Wait, yes, just like that.
33. Got it. Time to wrap this up.
34. Speaking of, I don’t think I wrapped Mom’s gift.
35. I think I just had an orgasm on top of Mr. Cuddles.
36. Again, for the last time, sorry Mr. Cuddles.
37. Is that pie I smell?
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