CRAIG BROWN: Ask Liz Truss. Roof leaking? It's the trickle down effect

CRAIG BROWN: Ask Liz Truss… she’s here to help! Roof leaking? It’s the trickle down effect

1. Kettles 

Dear Liz, I’m having trouble with my electric kettle. It takes much too long to boil. Any ideas? 

Liz says: Um. I understand how. Worried people like you. Are about your kettles. And that is why. And that is why. I am determined to deal. With it. And to deliver. On my promise. To deal. With it. 

But what are you going to do? 

Liz says: Um. Let me be. Quite clear. First of all I want. To reassure people that. We do have a very. Clear plan. As to how we are going to deliver. A very clear. Plan. Because the only way. To deliver. That very clear. Plan. Is to be absolutely clear about it. I just wanted to make that absolutely. Clear. It’s all about delivery. 

But what exactly are you going to do? 

Liz says: I have just. Cut the cord of your electric kettle. With a pair. Of scissors. And that. Is the sort of firm action. Which you. And millions like you have. Been asking for. 

‘Ask Liz Truss… she’s here to help!’

But now that you’ve cut the cord, my kettle will never boil. 

Liz says: First of all. The fact is. Um. First of all. We needed to take decisive action. We couldn’t let the. Situation. Drift. And that’s why. I took urgent action. And cut the. Cord. And if I hadn’t cut that. Cord we would be. In very serious. Trouble. 

But why did you cut it? 

Liz says: As we all know. This is a. Global problem. Let’s be absolutely. Clear about this. Cords to electric kettles are being cut by Vladimir Putin. All around the world. 

But now I can’t make myself a nice cup of tea! 

Liz says: I fully accept we’re. Not living in a perfect world. In fact we’re. Living in a very difficult. World. But let’s be absolutely. Clear. As a country. We are currently enjoying more cups of tea. Than Canada, Brazil, Japan. Um. And Kuala Lumpur. And that’s something to be proud of. 

So, Liz, how do I go about making my own cup of tea? 

Liz says: In the medium to longterm, I have every. Confidence that your. Kettle will boil. And you will be able to brew. Yourself a nice. Cup of. Um. Tea. In the short to medium. Term I am absolutely determined to. Do my best to lay the ground so that. In future we can deliver. A very clear plan to put that tea bag in the cup. To pour boiling. Water over it. And to add a drop of milk. 

But you haven’t answered the question, Liz. My question was… 

Liz says: Sorry, but if I could just. Um. Finish. We are committed to delivering our commitment to deliver a delivery we remain. Wholly committed to. And that’s why we have a plan. I can’t exactly set out what is going to be in this plan but what I can set out is that I’m not going to set it out. For the forseeable future. 

So how do I make a cup of tea? 

Liz says: This is something we’re looking into and which we are committed to delivering. But I believe in outcomes rather than input, so what I aim to deliver now. Is the overall pack – age — not just a teabag, but . Water poured over it. So that, in the end, we’ll all be able to enjoy a hot cup of tea. Despite what Vladimir Putin would have us believe. 

But where’s the water coming from? 

Liz says: I am delighted to announce. That I have just this minute. Removed the roof from your home. What this means is that. Water will now be directly delivered. Straight from the sky. To your kitchen. Without the need for pipes, tanks, taps. Delivery, delivery. Um. Delivery. That’s what it’s all. About. 

But it’s now raining, and water is pouring in all over the house, not just into the kettle. Help! 

Liz says: It’s the trickle-down effect. It’s working!!! You don’t just want water in your tea. You want water everywhere else, too. 

But now I’ll have to move! 

Liz says: Which all goes. To show. I’m delivering on my promise. You’ll have to move. They’ll all have to move. And that’s what it’s all about — Getting Britain moving. Cheerio!

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