I have a passionate relationship with my lover but she won't leave her girlfriend for me

DEAR DEIDRE:  MY lover and I have an intense and passionate relationship but she has a partner, another woman, and is making no move to be with me.

It is taking over my life emotionally.


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I am a guy aged 31 and I met this girl at work last year. She is 28.

We had an instant connection and I’ve never felt this for anyone before. When our hands touched it was like electricity.

We went from strength to strength, talking and falling in love. When we started to have sex it was mind-blowing.

The only problem is that she lives with someone else, a woman of 39, and they have a flat and mortgage together.

We had to work from home during lockdown and I hardly saw her. It was agony. At least we are both back in the workplace now.

My lover says she wants to be with me but it’s not that simple.

She says she’s not in love with her partner any more but she cares for her.

They have a mortgage and she doesn’t want to put her partner through the stress of selling the flat and ruining her life.

I don’t know what to do. I miss her so much when we are not together and find it so hard to sleep at night.

I feel so jealous it hurts, knowing that she goes home to someone else and not me.

I find myself crying in the evenings all alone. I only feel right when we are together and in each other’s arms.

She told me she would sort everything out but it just doesn’t seem to be happening at all.

I don’t know whether it makes it better or worse that we work together and I see her every single day.

I’m scared that it won’t be me she chooses and that I will lose her.

I feel we are meant to be together and I physically can’t even try to look elsewhere. I don’t know what to do.

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I HEAR most days from singles who long for love but have never met that special someone.

 

My e-leaflet Finding The Love Of Your Life explains simple steps to help you have a meaningful relationship.

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DEIDRE SAYS: You have to force a resolution one way or the other.

Be brave and take back control over your life.

Tell your lover that being stuck like this isn’t fair on anyone.

Set a time limit – that she has a month to tell her partner they’re over and start organising how they’re going to move on with their lives, or you’re over.

I know that feels agonising but otherwise you could be in this miserable situation for years – I hear from unhappy people who have seen ten or 20 years go by in this sort of half-life.

If she doesn’t make the break, then I’m afraid it means that the bond just isn’t as strong for her as it is for you, in which case it is best to know that sooner rather than later.

My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? can help you think this through.

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