DEAR JANE: My husband wants to form a throuple with my best friend to spice up our sex life – but I worry it will ruin our relationship… Top author JANE GREEN gives VERY direct advice on polyamory in this week’s unmissable agony aunt column
- In this week’s agony aunt column, Jane Green shares some wisdom with a woman whose husband is eager for her best friend to join their marriage
- She also reaches out to a 54-year-old left mortified by menopausal symptoms
- Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below
I have been married for fifteen years and I thought we were very happy. My husband has always had a fantasy about a threesome, bringing another women into our sex life, and although we haven’t done it, I will admit to being a little curious when I was younger, even though we never acted on it.
Over the past few years, I have become less and less interested in sex, and we have talked about ways to light up our sex life again (even though honestly, I’d rather go to bed with a cup of tea and a good book).
Now, he has suggested we bring my best friend into our sex life, talking about becoming a throuple. He won’t let it drop.
She has been my best friend since high school, and is divorced and dating. She has always been very sexually adventurous, and he thinks she’s the perfect person, but I think our friendship might blow up. What should I do?
From, Worried Three’s a Crowd
Dear Jane, my husband of 15 years wants to form a throuple with my best friend but I think it will blow up our friendship. What should I do?
There are two different issues here – one in which you talk about a threesome, or adding a third person to your sex life (swinging), and then one in which you mention that your husband wants a throuple, which is welcoming someone else into your romantic life for a committed, consensual, non-monogamous, relationship (polyamory).
It may be that your husband is getting his terms mixed up, because the two things are very different, and given your mention of sex, and your lack of interest, it sounds like he wants A) sex, C) exciting sex, and C) to fulfill a fantasy. Although I would argue that once he gets A and B, he may not be so fixated on C.
International best-selling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column
I suspect that he wants exciting sex, rather than bringing another woman into your marriage on a much more permanent basis.
You mention you have been curious about a threesome, and it may be that this is what will light you up again. It’s a very hard thing, how our sexuality changes as we get older, and whilst I fully understand the wanting to get into bed with a cup of tea and a good book, sex is an important part of marriage, particularly for men, who tend to relate to sex very differently.
For women, it is often tied up in our emotions, and comes out of feeling connected, but for men, sex tends to comes first. As psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel has said: ‘Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex. For men, sex is the connection.’
So while I think it’s important that you look at your sex life, there are many dimensions to marriage, and plenty of people have figured out how to have great, rich, and rewarding marriages without an abundance of sex.
It is helpful, however, that whatever you choose, you are both on the same page. The fact that you were once curious about threesomes means you were also once curious about sex. It may be that focusing more on your sex life, and what you (not your husband, but YOU) need in order to feel more sexual, will be enough to light you up, and in turn your sex life with your husband.
Having an active sex life, and a wife who is interested in sex, may put the wishes for a threesome on the back burner.
Either way, do NOT bring your best friend into your sex life as the third, unless you want to find yourself looking for a new best friend, and possibly, a new husband.
I recently turned 54 and my doctor declared that I am officially postmenopausal in a recent check-up. I was quite lucky and have only experienced a few hot flushes and night sweats over the years.
However, lately I find myself experiencing discomfort and pain between my legs, especially when using the bathroom, and I don’t know why. Reading online people say it could be a menopause symptom? Do you have any advice?
I’d prefer not to talk to the doctor if possible, it’s too embarrassing!
Dear Jane’s Sunday Service
A word about shame
Shame is the emotion that keeps us paralyzed. It stops us going to doctors, it stops us revealing our true selves because we are so convinced that we (or our vaginas) are somehow deficient, and heaven forbid anyone should see that.
But when we set aside that shame and are honest about what we are going through, we see that everyone feels the same way, and not only do we not then feel so alone, it’s how we connect with others in the world.
How I wish we were more prepared for menopause and the many changes it brings. We all know about the hot flushes, the night sweats and the irritability (especially my husband), but no-one prepares us for the vaginal changes.
There are a myriad of changes that happen to the vagina due to the decreased estrogen, which can include vaginal atrophy – thinning, drying and inflammation of the vaginal walls. There is also Painful Bladder Syndrome, which can cause discomfort, painful sex, pain in general, and often symptoms that feel just like a UTI (urinary tract infection), including painful urination.
I wish we all knew what to prepare for, and I wish you felt no shame.
What you are experiencing is enormously common. I have had problems with all of the above throughout menopause, as have most of my friends, and all of us were as unprepared and shocked as you are.
But you do have to see a doctor because there a myriad of fixes, from estrogen rings to hormones, to topical creams.
If you’re not comfortable with your doctor, perhaps find a Urogynecologist who you can talk to – they specialize in exactly these conditions, and many are female.
I can’t tell you not to be embarrassed, but I can tell you that all a Urologist, or Urogynecogist does all day is look at vaginas. It’s the equivalent of us looking at a tree.
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