DEAR DEIDRE: DESPITE having amazing sex, my lover suddenly cut contact. She is now pregnant and swears her husband is the father.
We met at work. She goes around to all our company offices to deal with IT problems. I knew she was married but she was friendly, chatty and very attractive.
My relationship was going nowhere and she confided hers was struggling too.
I am 33 and she is 31.
I know she and her husband were waiting for a fertility clinic appointment. They had been trying for a family for a year, with no joy.
She’d had a miscarriage when in a previous relationship so she thought it was probably her husband who had the problem.
I decided to bite the bullet and split from my girlfriend. Two weeks later we began an affair.
She went on the Pill for me and our sex life was fantastic.
We could not get enough of one another though she took some big risks and her husband must have been suspicious. After we’d been seeing one another for three months, she asked if I wanted a child.
I said I did but not until I was in a serious relationship and preferably married, as I still feel the pain from my ex walking out on me with our son, who I now see only twice a year.
My lover and I started looking for a house to rent together and she came off the Pill ahead of her fertility appointment.
We used condoms but sometimes got carried away and had unprotected sex. Then one day I got a text saying she was busy, and then she made excuses not to see me. I finally found out from her friend that she had gone back to her husband to try to save their marriage.
Then she texted me the bombshell news that she’s pregnant, although she says it’s her husband’s.
Of course, I seriously think the baby is mine and wonder why her husband isn’t suspicious too.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe he is but wants a family and, for his marriage to last, is thrilled that his wife is pregnant – and so, consciously or unconsciously, is turning a blind eye to his doubts.
As long as he doesn’t rake up any doubts he may have some time in the future, he and your former lover could succeed in giving a child a happy home in which to flourish.
That’s what your lover has decided to try, anyway, and your relationship isn’t as tried and tested as her marriage. You risk creating lasting hurt and damage, probably for the child, too, if you try to claim being the father.
I understand the hurt and doubts that leaves you with but you always knew your lover was married.
Maybe put your focus on trying to see more of the son you already have. You can find support to do that through Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).
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