I DON’T know if it is the heat, or too many flatbreads, but I seem to have spent the past half-hour passed out in a forest in the middle of the afternoon.
Or it could be the pleasant vibrations travelling through my body that have sent me to the land of nod.
This is my first time “gong-bathing” — when a gong is struck repeatedly to send you into a meditative state. And boy, does it work.
All-inclusive hols have come a long way from just eating your weight in chips at the buffet and kitsch evening entertainment.
The Residence at Tui Sensatori Barut Fethiye, on Turkey’s Mediterranean coast, is the latest addition — stylish, elegant and only for adults.
I spent four nights in a fabulous Lake House Suite, with swim-up pool access.
It includes a Jacuzzi, a pool that leads to your back door, a stocked mini-bar, butler service and champagne on demand.
Drag yourself away from that luxury and there is plenty to do, if you feel the need.
“Effortless” is the watchword here and you can download an app to book activities.
All-inclusive fun includes archery, aqua-aerobics, candlelit yoga and that fabulous gong-bathing.
Or just relax in a hammock in the resort’s forest area or take a dip in the pool — and enjoy a cocktail at the in-pool bar, where the smoked Bloody Marys are something else.
There is a pebble beach just steps away from the resort, where a cabana costs £53 a day, complete with butler service and a gorgeous view of the nearby mountains. Bliss.
There is an on-site spa, so if you need help switching off you can book treatments including a hot-oil massage and a coconut-milk body wrap.
The spa has a steam room, a sauna and trickling rainforest noises for a truly immersive sensory experience.
Then there is the nosh. The Food Repertory is a 24-hour restaurant with an extensive international menu, so you can eat pretty much anything you want, whenever you want.
Craving lobster bisque at 4am? Knock yourself out.
There is also a 24-hour bar in the Executive Lounge — with a gin-and-tonic variation to please every palate — plus a patisserie and an ice-cream bar.
Give the fig flavour a go — it is the ice cream you never knew you needed.
Anyone in the market for some more traditional Turkish cuisine, at a slightly more civilised hour, should head to the roof terrace where the
Asmani restaurant offers locally sourced breakfasts.
Once you have tried sujuk, a Turkish spicy sausage, old-school pork bangers just will not cut it any more.
Dinner is available, too, with an expertly crafted taster menu at £22 a head.
Or try out the fabulous restaurant next door at the Tui Sensatori Resort Barut Fethiye, which has more of the traditional hallmarks of all-inclusive holidaying.
It boasts Tom Jones tribute acts, stand-up comedy nights, a disco and some fun water- slides if you are in a need of an adrenaline hit amid all the Zen relaxation.
You are unlikely to get cabin fever with so much on offer on this holiday.
But if you do feel an urge to venture farther afield, there is plenty to explore in and around Fethiye.
The town centre can be reached by shuttle boat, local bus or taxi and is great for picking up local fare, from Turkish delight to trinkets for your mantelpiece.
For a great sunset, tuck into dinner — ideally the lamb chops — at the Mori restaurant which is part of the Yacht Classic Hotel.
COVID: Travel abroad is not permitted right now.
GETTING/STAYING THERE: Seven nights’ all-inclusive at 5H The Residence, Tui Sensatori Barut Fethiye, is from £1,159pp. Includes return Gatwick flights on September 28, and transfers. See tui.co.uk.
OUT & ABOUT: A VIP Blue Cruise boat tour costs from £59. A shuttle boat to Fethiye is £15 return, local bus is £1-2 and taxi about £10.
Situated on the waterfront, it boasts gasp-inducing views of the skyline and, if you are lucky, a friendly turtle named George might just pop up to say hello.
If you do only one excursion, make it a boat trip. The VIP Blue Cruise is the best way to fully appreciate how beautiful the surrounding landscape is.
It also offers a chance to ogle the mega-yachts doing the rounds.
And it is not just your eyes that will be delighted. This is a treat for your taste buds, too.
A fresh lunch of traditional Turkish cuisine is provided thanks to an on-boat barbecue — and despite everything else, that was the culinary highlight of my trip.
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